I'm a little slow today. I just switched to Sanka. So...have a heart?

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Miami is dumb.

The other day, my friend Mavi told me that the new catchphrase coined by Paris Hilton, instead of "That's hot." is "_____ is dumb." But _____ can't be something like "You" or "Sheila," it has to be something big... and something not capable of being dumb. Some moronic overarching statement like "Cars are dumb" or "Shutts & Bowen is dumb" or "Milk is dumb."

When you say whatever is dumb, it's supposed to sound stupid.

Here's mine:

"Miami is dumb."

Only, in this case, it's probably true...scratch that; it IS true. Miami is dumb. The urban planning is dumb, the city's administration is dumb, the people. The people are dumb.

Well...that's too gentle. The people are fucking dumb. They're worse than fucking dumb, they're fucking ignorant and dumb...shitheads.

Oh well. No one down here is ever going to learn English. No one is going to get car insurance. No one is going to make it less of a pain to stand in a line and watch the line never move, either because the person handling the line is on a cigarette/coffee/jamon/gossip/nailfiling break, or because everyone is letting their cousin's hairdresser cut in front of you.

No one is going to make anything less corrupt down here, and no one is going to make sense to me. I honestly don't understand why people do the things they do down here. I can't even give any examples of what I'm talking about, because I've started to block them out as a protective instinct.

I have learned a few things. I've learned never to go right after a light turns green, because there's a 75% chance you could subject yourself to a serious car accident. I've learned that an arm waving out the window means, "I'm a selfish asshole, and I didn't plan well enough, but I have to get in front of you right now to cut over four lanes of traffic." I've learned that if you don't know five people who have been in serious car accidents in the last year, then you don't know five people. I've learned that you can get tickets from backing into a parking spot (not diagonal) and I've learned that if you're a group of guys who haven't bought five bottles at a club, don't have at least a 1.5 ratio of girls to guys, or didn't go to highschool with the bouncer, you'll never get in.

I've learned that it's acceptable to pick your nose and eat it on the subway, and I've learned NEVER to sit in the seats on the subway, because it might be soggy. From a bum that pissed himself in it. I've learned that there can be entire shopping centers without a worthwhile store, unless you're interested in sending money or buying cheap dusty crap.

Yes. We have nice weather. Sometimes. Yes, it's warm, and yes, the architecture on South Beach is pretty. That's about it. I'm staying down here for a while, not voluntarily, but because I simply can't extricate myself from this hellhole. Go to lawschool wherever you want to practice, because you ain't movin' before the bar without a 3-ring Circus resulting.

Miami is dumb. We're dumb because the city doesn't time its traffic lights to abate the traffic problems that we have. We're dumb because we're oversaturating the housing market "like woah." There's more construction going on in this town, and there's no dearth of housing already. Yeah, it's nice to have a 60 story high-rise of apartments, but when no one's living in 90% of the units, how ya gonna flip 'em for a profit?

This is a stupid town, full of stupid people. Miami is dumb.